4:04 p.m., 2003-08-29
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Ah...confusion. I still seem to be sick with it. If you were wondering, these are some things I am worried/confused about:
School- What the hell is it going to be like? What if I get lost? WHAT IF I HAVE TO SWIM?!
My Future- What do I want to do? Where I am I going to go? Should I even decide? What if my feelings are correct? That there is no point?
My friends- Hah. This is one of the easier problems. I used to have more. Now I don't. I really don't understand them sometimes, but thats pretty normal.
Family- Why does my mother make me feel like nothing? Why must I always try to live up to her expectations? Why is Kevin so much better than me? Is my dad going to move here? If so, how will life be like after that? Why do I get so upset at these people? Why is SI such a jackass?
Myself/Outer Appearance- I don't like the way I look. Sure, people will tell me I am pretty or whatever. I just don't see it.
My Sanity- What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so mean? Do I cause all my problems? Do I have OCD?(That reminds me of THE OC...that Seth guy is cute!)Why did I do such things to myself, like I did in summmer of 01'? And other times? Does anyone even notice that there is something wrong?
My Past- Oh gosh, I could go on about this forever.
My dreams- What do they mean? Should I know?
That Guy- Why is he haunting me? Is he the same one, as the others?
And those are only the one I feel like talking about right now, the ones that I can talk about. Trust me there are more.
I hate it when I whine. Damnit! But why should I just stop when maybe it helps me in some way?
One of the sad things is that some of the people involved with these problems do not even know it, or care. They don't notice. I told my mother, a few times, that she has such high expectations for me, even though it's not very apparent. But it is there. No matter how much I help her, it is never enough. She calls me lazy, mean, spoiled. And then the next day she will be nice to me.
It may seem that I do not have that many problems.At least not external ones, physical ones that you can see. That is because it is all inside. It is internal(big words here). I think too much. Not necessarily about important things, or that I even think well. I just overexamine things, pick them apart. Sigh.
I guess I feel better now, that I have written about it. It's like that...once I express things, the issues seem to float away...like I wish I could. Oh, and like always, I don't want to talk about it. Lol. Have a nice day! ;)
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