7:31 p.m., 2004-12-08
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I do not recall the exact time it happened, or even the reason. I just know, to some extent, that it did. The removal of all things that once were necessary and probably still are, the death of the thing that I lacked almost completely. But who is to say that I needed it, anyways? I have never even noticed the benefits.
I don't want to rant; that is really one of my pet peeves. But I have so much to say, and no other way to express it. No one else would listen, due to lack of time or interest, so I am superbly stuck. Here is my dilemna, or at least the first one that pops into my head: I am so exhausted from the way things are. This terrible stillness has taken it's toll on me. When there had once been a time for me to ask for help, my plea was utterly ignored. I hate asking for help. So it makes sense that I am here with this problem. And all the others.
I know that I should forget about my profound misery and look to console others' in their own, but would they do the same for me? Other than ask a few polite questions, and carry on as before?
So bad did I want to cry today, during the later periods of school, and tutoring. I think I let a few tears slip but it was only to my knowledge. I have sworn to myself, since a long time ago, that I would not show my..."sadness" at school, other than at acceptable times. But I've broken that promise. And I hate myself for it.
My head has been pounding relentessly like my guilt. Ever since this morning, I have been too,too receptive yet closed-off. Especially when Ve and I talked during Math. He has been yelling at me lately, making me feel so guilty of everything. Though he is right. But if I were to do what he had suggested, everyone's world would go crumbling down and I cannot bear to be responsible for that.
I wish that I did not have to go to school tomorrow and attempt to fix everything I did today. I cannot begin to explain to anyone what happened, let alone understand it myself. Some will get angry with me. That's not fair if you think about it. I usually, in my opinion, never do things like that. Everyone else does. Persecution from even the quietest person shall come, I know. I have been ranting, I know. But it's my place to do exactly that.
Even looking in the mirror, I can see the difference. The loss of whatever whimsy was once there, whatever selfish hope for myself and for others.
I have done so much in recent times that I regret now, even if it prevented me from lashing out. I want so badly to be forgiven and assisted, but what am I even pondering about that for?
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