6:40 p.m., 2005-01-07
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I changed things around a little bit around here, and I plan to do some more. Things just don't express what I want them too anymore.
Sometimes I still believe that you are coming back and then I realize that you were never really here and it makes me so sad and angry and pensive at the same time. But then I think back to the good times, and I keep my faith, or at least attempt to do so. It is hard to think of what my future would be like without your wonderful presence.
Tough- yes it is so. I cannot think of anything to say but I need to do so for my own selfish reasons, just so I can remember this fateful day when I thought about (at least right now) giving my innocence away and in a way, dishonoring all that I honor and worship, just to ascend. But it's an impulse and I respect that. If only he knew, he would laugh until he cried, and then actually take me seriously. It's early, and ironic, to say the least. However, If I have to, I have to. January seventh was always supposed to be a special day anyways.
:whenever your near, being here is the least of my fears:
You make me cry when you laugh and laugh when you are angry, though sometimes I am fearful, especially if I caused your temper to rise. When we spend time together it is like the world has stopped and will only start again when we speak of our future together. When you are gone I miss you like I miss the moisture of the rain, and when you come back I grow so angry with you that I just can't help but say something so stupid that it makes you laugh, and when that happens,I wish that you had never left my sight. But you have to go sometimes. I understand that. Or at least I tell you over and over again that I do. Just- why do you have to go away? Don't you like the way things are? The precious pleasure that happens when two souls just coexist?
I believe you when you say that you don't like leaving and that best part of leaving is what happens when you come back.
I want to write a poem or song or something anything goddamnit that will express how I feel about you. I'm worried that because I can't that my feelings are not real but then I remember what you told me and I'm sure of it. If only feelings could transfer onto paper, exactly the way they are. I will try, though. I will try.
I am sorry that I seem the way I am (you know what I mean)- whether or not you will agree that I am like that. I just cannot help it when it comes to..you. Yes, you. It's your fault, haha! Another thing I can blame on you.
I am sure they are confused, hell, so am I.
I get starry eyes when I think of the way things can be if and only if I commit. And if you get over your pride and fear. Right now I am listening to a song that kind of goes with something "funny" that goes along with what I'm thinking of. Can't guess? Your loss.
Cry
� � pr�c�dent ou apr�s
